not nearly as important....

a rather large group of uncles and aunts, prepubescent boys, food, presents and heightened consumerism later, christmas is safely behind me. i've heard the christmas story but once, and fittingly at church, i've heard maybe 5 chrsitmas hymns, again at church, and have got thoroughly caught up in gorging on large amounts of sinful food, and speed shopping. the dreary weather makes me want to run back all the way to Sri lanka, just close my eyes and keep running..run till i reach the equator, and then run along it till i get back home... the heady drowning of the sea and the smell of seaweed is so close i can almost touch it, the air is balmy and warm, the grainy sand sits betweeen my toes, and i am almost crying at the beauty of it all. i just cant take it in, and yet , i sit here thousands of miles away from those i love, desperately trying to make pen and paper fit in an avalanche of emotions that keep buiding up inside, threatning to overflow any moment, and swallow me up in its tidal wave of joy, pain, screaming, anger, shame. and yet, my illusionary utopian home is merely a memory.... no thats not right, not even a memory, but an image carefully built up and nurtured inside, that certainity that theres a home where i belong, and it give e meaning in searching. how absurd, the ones i love.....what an abusrd, silly, impulsive thing to say....i wonder how many of the ones i love remain there, how much i love them, and do i even care....i dont think i do, but i must believe for now that i do, and in time, i willl believe my half truths, and appropriate the correct normative emotions as my own, but for now, it is a blissful to carelessly throw words like love around, i am exhilarated by it all.....the chances i take, how i toy with these ideas, how wonderful it is to think that i have that kind of power over another heart, love.....love ...i love you.....no i dont i dont love you at all....there...in a snap, i changed my mind, i can actually play with your heart! it makes me feel good...and yet you persist in thinking i am crazy?
tomorrow you and i will go back to our old worlds, pretend like nothing happened, and enter that parallel universe that we both love so dearly, our private escape, and for a long while we will be happy, we will be certain that the other is happy, and equally certain that we will never cross each others mind, and i look forward to this, as i know that you do, and i cant help but wonder how long it will take this time.
goodbye........ i hope you find comfort there, i know i will see you and you will remember.... this time maybe you wont, lets promise to forget...there , i've given you your way out....it should make you happy...

Distances apart

On a late evening flight bound eastward
My body goes to meet you.
In silent, grey November London
We will meet,
And if I tell you I have waited all my life for this day
I lie.
I know, and you know
That time in all her deceiving glory,
Like the 10-dollar women you spent your nights with
Will leave me no better or worse
The empty space on the ragged edge of the universe
That I have been flailing in only reminds me
That seeing you, hearing you, and watching you
Will not be my epiphany, or cathartic, or anything.
We are but a mere lifetime apart, and my mind wanders
Where you don’t follow, and this physical meeting
Is redolent with old mysteries
And yet, I seek to see you, if not for anything
To tell you that this life, this magical splendid place
This secret sanctuary, this solitude that I inhabit
Is mine and mine alone.

and again...

I cant even begin to count the number of blogs that i've had, the ones that have over the years died slow and painful deaths and disappeared into obscurity..... however, with a new resolution to keep this going i sit down, and start, again. who knows, maybe this will finally be what i wanted it to be, or it may go horribly wrong, or it may be mediocre and unintersting. nevermind.
i've started, and i plan on posting regularly. eventually.