After my hiatus of sorts, I've come back here for some quick updates. weird, sharing a single net connection with mamma means that I get to go online on widely interspersed half hour intervals, but meh, there's been worse.
so, another year at an end, but not quite a definitive end, still got summer school, which (gag) starts tomorrow. and since I'm travelling from home, that means leaving at 6.30 am to get there for 9 am lectures. yes, 6.30 am. yes I'm whining. oh well, its my blog. deal. last year wasn't the most fun, in a nutshell, courses were bleh, profs slightly weird, my housemates were, for the most part, darling little demons from hell, very strange things regarding friends and family conspired, lots of decisions, and all in all, I'm just glad its done and over with.

sorting through old blogs and blog posts, I came across words and lines written in fits of anger, and elation, and depression and anger, and sadness, and shame, and in some strange way, all those feelings came flooding back on reading them. so, delete them? or keep them as a constant reminder of things in the past? I don't know, but i know its not healthy that. the keeping that is. oh well. sometimes its good to be reminded how far you've risen above.

Unfortunately D's been the one that has been getting earfuls ( should that be earsful? :S) of my ranting, and venting, and general prickliness, and he's been very patient, and so good to me. I do miss the times that we don't get to spend together, and i wish things had been different in every sense, but if circumstances had been that kind to us, would we perhaps not treasure the moments awarded more? D has also been on the receiving end of my insecurities, and fits of irrational anger, and bouts of fear, and I know its been hard on him but I think if we could get through sifting through the past, and labelling and playing the blame game, and all the petty ugly things that go along with it, we can make it through anything else.

T told me a while ago, that its those things that slip out of our grasp, or that which is just out of reach, is the most enticing, the most appealing, and often the most sought after. on a somewhat serious and badly-done-high-school-amateur-drama note, isn't this especially true of relationships? guys, you know this is true, its quite often the girl that's out of your league, or the one that you were dumped by/ dumped who when in a new relationship is suddenly that much more interesting/pretty/intelligent/funny (insert whatever does it for you here). I've been told there may be a whole biological reason for this, but i think its just innate human nature, we always wonder if what we gave up was better than what we posses. ladies, you know what I'm talking about, the jerk/asshole/cheater/liar/nice-guy-but-not-my-type that you ditched or was ditched by doesn't seem to be all that bad when he finds a new girl, and yes, somewhere at the back of our minds we may wonder what if. unless of course he was some terrible freak of nature, in which case you just devise ways to warn the girl. and so unwittingly we find ourselves doing or saying things that give out mixed signals. now this is by no means set in stone, and there's plenty that vow that this isn't so, but we all know its there. maybe its in my mind, but I feel like a lot of this has been going on lately. D I need to apologise here, I don't mean to make this sound like a public denouncement of secret grievances, and the only reason I mention it is because its been on my mind, and I know that those involved in the circumstances that brought this about will probably not read this. certainly, I was slightly peeved at the beginning, recognizing what I thought were the classic signs, but I was well, wrong. now its just interesting to watch. umm, so yes I realize this does sound very cryptic, and as though I've blown a seemingly simple thing out of epic proportions, and yes, I too am left wondering what I meant in that incoherent jumble.

on a better note, I've been listening to some awesome gospel music lately, and hearing a lot from pastor Bob Johnston that I wish I had heard earlier, but that's another story in itself.

yep, another one of those. too tired to go over this now, I shall promise my self on pain of self-inflicted injury that I shall do a better job soon. or something to that effect. maybe lay off the coffee for a while.

oh and this one's for D, I don't mean to step into you boundaries of who you are, or dictate how things should be, I know how irksome and distasteful that is, we both share a common aversion for that external forcible intrusion, and I would hate to be the one that did it to you. and for everything that's happened, thank you for letting me in, I know it must have been hard. there's a lot that went wrong, but there's a lot that went right as well.